I'm Still HereA Draco Songfic
by jhawk
Summary: *Songfic* The night Draco has been waiting for all his life is finally upon him, the night he will become a Death Eater. But is that how it's going to end after all? *Slightly Draco/Ginny*


I am a question to the world  
Not an answer to be heard  
Or a moment that's held in your arms  
  
Seventeen year old Draco Malfoy sat unmoving on his bed in the middle of  
his large room. The tall mirror across from him reflected his sedentary  
image. Draco stared at it, not really believing it was him. Inside he could  
barely breathe, his heart felt as though it was pumping in his throat,  
gagging and silencing him forever. The person in the mirror looked calm and  
ready for what was about to happen. No, it couldn't be him, it had never  
been him. This whole time he had wanted to believe it, wanted to believe  
that he was cool and impassive, just like his father.  
  
And what do you think you'd ever say  
I won't listen anyway  
You don't know me  
And I'll never be what you want me to be  
  
Draco scowled. The immense quiet of his surroundings was tearing him apart  
inside, digging under his flesh, wriggling around and refusing to be  
ignored. Draco wanted to scream, shout, anything to pierce the silence. But  
that would bring his father into the room, wanting to know what was going  
on.  
His father...  
Draco's scowl only deepened. His father was the whole reason his nerves  
were throbbing with anticipation and his stomach was tied in knots. Ever  
since he could remember, back to when he was only a little child Lucius  
would look at him with cool eyes and say in a silky, assured voice,  
"Someday, someday, boy you will fulfill your destiny as a Malfoy." And  
Draco had always anticipated the day it would happen.  
But now that it was finally time, he wasn't sure if he could go through  
with it.  
  
And what do you think you'd understand  
I'm a boy-No, I'm a man  
You can't take me and throw me away  
  
It was going to happen tonight.  
Draco shivered though no windows were open to let in a breeze. Not that the  
Malfoy Manor needed and excuse to send a shiver up your spine, to Draco, it  
seemed to have been built with ice in it's walls.  
He wrapped his black cloak around him, eyes dark. His acceptance into the  
Dark Order was going to happen tonight. With a soul like lead, Draco had  
taken the news from his father. The moment his father had told him, Draco  
had realized the truth. Something in his father's eyes had given it away.  
  
And how can you learn what's never shown  
Yeah you stand here on your own  
They don't know me  
'Cause I'm not here  
  
Lucius didn't really care about his son. When it struck Draco like a bolt  
out of the sky, he was surprised that he wasn't startled at the revelation.  
It was like he'd always known it deep inside but it never chose to emerge  
until Dracos eyes were open to the truth.  
All his father wanted was to say that Draco had fulfilled his destiny as a  
Malfoy. After that, it didn't matter what happened to him. If he lived, he  
was living bound to the ways of Voldemort and the Dark Order, if he didn't  
live, his father would just say he died valiantly in his rightful place as  
his son. Either way, Lucius got what he wanted; complete control over  
Dracos destiny.  
  
And I want a moment to be real  
Wanna touch things I don't feel  
Wanna hold on and feel I belong  
  
Draco didn't want the inevitable. It was as simple as that. Who said he had  
to do everything his father wanted? For seventeen years he had unknowingly  
walked into his father's cunning trap. Almost effortlessly, Lucius had  
ensnared him, turned him into a puppet. All Lucius had to do was pull a few  
strings to get his son to act or do whatever he wished of him.  
Draco growled, tasting bitterness as ice ran through his tense veins. He  
could taste the sourness of truth on his tongue and he wanted to spit it  
out, get rid of the horrible feeling and create his own. But the bitterness  
soon returned as he thought of the consequences that would be sure to arise  
if he did so.  
  
And how can the world want me to change  
They're the ones that stay the same  
They don't know me  
'Cause I'm not here  
  
Gripping the sheets on his bed, Draco mentally defied everything his father  
had ever said to him. Being a Deatheater would just confirm what everyone  
thought about him. They all thought he was Draco Malfoy, a wisecracking,  
rude, emotionless Deatheater-to-be. Draco knew differently.  
"They're all wrong," he growled, clenching his teeth. He wasn't like that,  
he wasn't! All they saw was the shadow his father had cast on his outward  
appearance. No one knew the inner Draco, the one that was downright scared  
of the growing darkness gathering outside his window. As soon as the moon  
was right overhead Lucius would be coming to get him and it would begin.  
His new life as a slave to the Dark Order would ensue.  
Draco had never been more frightened in all his life.  
  
And you see the things they never see  
All you wanted I could be  
  
Hating everyone who had ever misjudged him-but who hadn't?-Draco took  
another look in the mirror. In surprise, he saw doubt wrinkling his  
forehead. Searching deep inside him, he knew he realized where that doubt  
had come from. Not everyone had completely rejected him because of his  
outward demeanor. Someone had seen past all that and glimpsed something no  
one had ever seen before, something even Draco hadn't been aware of until  
Ginny Weasley had braved the forbidden territory.  
  
Now you know me and I'm not afraid  
And I want to tell you who I am  
Can you help me be a man  
They can't break me  
As long as I know who I am  
  
Hope flooding his mind, Draco recalled the youngest Weasleys image. Her  
laughing eyes, sweetly mocking mouth, fiery hair and untamable spirit had  
touched Draco's heart in past years in ways that he would have never been  
able to imagine.  
Something about her refusal to be controlled had always stunned and put  
Draco off immensely, but he had tucked the feeling into the back of his  
mind as though filing it away for future use.  
The importance of it came back to him now. Ginny had known all along that  
he didn't want to be controlled. Draco gaped at his reflection in the  
mirror. She had known all along, even before he realized it himself.  
Confidence flooding through him, some of Draco's blind panic began to leave  
him.  
  
And I want a moment to be real  
Wanna touch things I don't feel  
Wanna hold on and feel I belong  
How can the world want me to change  
They're the ones that stay the same  
They can't see me  
But I'm still here  
  
Without quite knowing what he was doing, Draco stood up, smoothing out his  
robes. He pulled up the sleeve of his black sweater and looked at his bare  
forearm. With fleeting satisfaction, he vowed to himself it would stay that  
way. Let his father do what he would like, Draco was going to forge his own  
path.  
  
They can't tell me who to be  
'Cause I'm not what they see  
Yeah the world is still sleepin'  
While I keep on dreamin' for me  
And their words are just whispers and lies  
That I'll never believe  
  
Draco didn't even try to deny to himself that possibly his most important  
decision of his life had been inspired by a Gryffindor. It didn't matter,  
nothing as trivial as that mattered anymore. As long as his father didn't  
win in the end, anything was worth doing.  
With a grin like steel, Draco pushed open a window at the far end of his  
room.  
The moon was almost directly overhead. A couple more minutes and his fate  
as a Malfoy would be sealed. Or would it?  
With sudden energy and a light feeling in his chest, Draco let the chilly  
air play over his upturned face.  
Yes, he was a Malfoy, but he wasn't his father.  
He wasn't a Gryffindor, although he was suddenly filled with great  
admiration for one.  
No, he was Draco Malfoy and a Slytherin. With pride, he knew he was doing  
the right thing. He didn't care if Lucius could argue that fact, it was  
right for him and that was all he cared about.  
Weren't Slytherins supposed to be ambitious? Weren't Slytherins supposed to  
be powerful and use their sharp wit to make it on their own? What  
respectable Slytherin could pass up the opportunity to uphold that title?  
How could they live with themselves after bending and bowing to every whim  
of an overlord?  
Bringing one leg up and over the windowsill to hang out over the lawn  
below, Draco nodded.  
No one could argue with him. He was a Slytherin. A true Slytherin. He  
wasn't going to alter his life to make room for catering to the every whim  
of Lord Voldemort. It might be what was expected, but weren't Slytherins  
known for breaking rules? Draco smiled. He was certainly upholding that  
aspect of true Slytherin pride. He was breaking a rule in a very big way.  
  
And I want a moment to be real  
Wanna touch things I don't feel  
Wanna hold on and feel I belong  
And how can they say I'll never change  
They're the ones that stay the same  
I'm the one now  
'Cause I'm still here  
I'm the one  
'Cause I'm still here  
  
Draco held onto the windowsill by his fingertips, the howling wind echoing  
in his ears.  
Everything was going to be different, and Draco had no control over any of  
it.  
With a deep breath, he let his fingers loosen and he tumbled to the ground.  
He landed painfully, a searing bolt dashing up his right leg. The pain  
merely made Draco smile, it was nothing compared to the pain he would have  
felt if he had decided to let his father win.  
Maybe I'll go find Ginny, Draco thought suddenly, wouldn't she be  
surprised?  
He laughed outright, head flinging back. Yes, he would go find Ginny, and  
tell her how he had turned to memories of her in his darkest hour. He  
didn't care if she was surprised or rejected him. He would make her accept  
him, he had to. Part of him doing what he had was all for her.  
Draco didn't realize the last thought was true until it hit him full force.  
Yes, it was for her, the only one who had ever taken the time to See him.  
Renewed, he looked up. The moon was directly overhead. Lucius would be  
knocking on his door now, calling for him to come out and get ready. When  
there was no answer, he would open the door and find his sons room empty.  
What would happen then?  
With a wry grin, Draco almost wished he could be there to see the look on  
his fathers face when he found him gone forever. He almost wished it.  
Nothing could cause him to change his mind. Nothing was worth going back  
now and throwing away what felt like could be the beginning of a better, if  
unpredictable future. 


End file.
